Have you ever noticed how some people seem to connect effortlessly in relationships, while others struggle with trust or fear of closeness?

If you’ve ever craved emotional closeness, but felt uncertain about trusting or relying on others, you’re not alone. Attachment styles-the ways we form and maintain-play a big role in shaping how we connect with the people around us.

As we prepare to release our new book, Moving Beyond Anxious Attachment, let’s dive into this concept and explore how anxious attachment styles can shape our lives and relationships.

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory explains how we form emotional bonds with parents and caregivers, and how these early relationships influence future ones. These attachment patterns-developed during childhood-continue to influence our behaviour, feelings of security, and the way we relate to others throughout life.

Types of Attachment Styles:

Attachment styles shape how we connect with others. They fall into two main categories: secure attachment, characterized by trust and emotional stability, and insecure attachment, which includes patterns such as anxious, avoidant, dismissive, or disorganized styles.

  • Secure Attachment: People with secure attachment often feel safe in relationships and can balance independence with emotional closeness.
  • Anxious Attachment: This style sometimes involves a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance. Anxiously attached individuals might worry that their partner is going to lose interest in or leave them. This can result in a tendency to use emotion-focused and sometimes maladaptive coping strategies.
  • Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment: More distancing/distraction behaviours. People with avoidant or dismissive attachment might struggle with trusting others. These individuals might value independence over closeness to others, and distance themselves when distressed.
  • Disorganized Attachment: Disorganized attachment is often a combination of fear and a desire for connection to others. Individuals with this attachment style might struggle with a fear of rejection and difficulties connecting with others. Oftentimes, this leads to unpredictable behaviours of wanting to feel close, while pushing others away in relationships.

Causes of Anxious Attachment:

Oftentimes, our attachment style is influenced by several factors, including our family of origin. Early childhood experiences, and the relationships we observe pivotal to how we build our own attachments. There are many causes of anxious attachment, but some could include:

  • Isolation or loneliness
  • Lack of social support
  • Lack of consistent affection from caregivers
  • Traumatic experiences
  • Inconsistent emotional support

How Attachment Affects Relationships:

Do these behaviours show up in your relationships?

  • Wanting closeness, but lacking trust in others.
  • Feeling overwhelmed by rejection sensitivity.
  • Being labeled as “too needy” or “clingy”.
  • Struggling to set and maintain boundaries.
  • Becoming consumed in your relationships to the point where your sense of self depends on them, or you feel codependent.
  • Constant reassurance seeking behaviours.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Anxious attachment can create challenges in relationships that can lead to tension, trust issues, and difficulty maintaining independence. But there’s good news: understanding your attachment style is the first step to improving it.

Working on Anxious Attachment

  1. Attachment Awareness: Understanding your attachment style and where it comes from is very important. Our attachment style is a driving factor in our understanding of ourselves and our relationships (known as our internal working models), and our capacity for emotional regulation. When exploring an anxious attachment, it’s important to remind yourself that having an anxious attachment does not make you “too much” or “broken”. It simply means that you might need some support in navigating certain aspects of your relationships.
  2. Therapeutic Approaches: Okay, so now you understand that you have an anxious attachment and want to know where to go from here. What are some common therapeutic approaches to working on anxious attachments?
    Oftentimes, therapeutic techniques like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and emotional focused therapy (EFT) can help identify and address negative patterns, fostering healthier relationships.
  3. Building Secure Attachment: By identifying attachment patterns and exploring approaches address them, you can work toward a more secure attachment style. This involves building trust, improving communication, and maintaining healthy boundaries.

When to seek help

Gaining insight into attachment can transform relationships and improve mental well-being. Take the first step by exploring your own attachment patterns. If your attachment style is affecting your well-being or relationships, seeking professional support might be a good starting point. Therapy can help you unpack your experiences, encouraging self-awareness and building healthier connections.

Attachment styles are not set in stone, they’re a starting point. By understanding your patterns and seeking support, you can rewrite the way you connect. Change is possible!
Ready to take the next step? Contact us to book a session or schedule a free consultation call.

If you’re looking for support, you can contact us, book an appointment, or schedule a free consultation. We offer couples counselling in Halifax with online sessions across Nova Scotia.

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